Kids

I love the size of my family. For me, 4 kids is perfect. They're spaced just far enough apart, but close enough together... and I was done having kids at the age of 30. I pat myself on the back for my successful family planning and feel pretty happy with the way things are. I've really been enjoying our family dynamic lately, and things have been going smoothly. I think I've finally figured out how to make this work.

After Ezra was born Josiah and I looked at our 4 beautiful children and proclaimed our family complete. Ta da!! All done. Four beautiful children. It's a large family by most people's standards, and I really felt comfortable with were my family was. Starting potty training is not fun, but hey, pretty soon I won't have to change diapers any more!! WOO HOO!! And I only have one kid at home with me while the big kids are in school, so that makes getting stuff done and keeping the house clean so much easier.

Some days I feel guilty for loving the time that I get to myself. I really do love sending my kids off to school. Having some precious hours of peace and quiet in my home, where I can focus on what I need done- not what I have to take care of for one of my kids- is like heaven. There are precious moments with the kids when they are home, but honestly, if there are one or two precious moments each day, there are about 30 moments where mommy is cleaning up an unexpected mess, intervening in a fight, trying to teach some kind of moral lesson, or having a kid stomp off saying "You are such a MEAN MOM!" after stopping some kind of bad behavior. Those moments are not fun. They are not sweet. They are not precious. They are a necessary part of being a good parent. I'm helping my children grow into good, kind, and responsible human beings, but boy, it is not always fun.

So, having my 4 children grow up, become more independent, and spend more time on their own is something I love and look forward to. And I had made it! After 10 years, I was finally at the point where my kids were growing and spending time outside of my home and I could get some "me" time! I might even be able to have a clean-ish house, or pick up on sewing, or painting, or writing music again! Then Elder Neil L. Andersen got up and gave a wonderful talk at the Saturday afternoon session of General Conference and threw a monkey wrench in my plans.

If you don't remember, he talked about children and the blessing they are in a home. Then he talked about how we choose to have children, and the blessings we get from choosing to give one of Heavenly Father's children a body and a loving home, even if it's not easy. And it hit me- I need to have another baby. And the first thing my husband thought when he heard that talk was the same. Ummm, that's not the plan. We're done. We're happy with things the way they are. Aren't we?

Josiah and I talked that evening, after the kids were in bed. He has a pretty good job now. I don't have any health problems or complications when pregnant or in labor. We have a happy and loving home. There's an empty seat in the mini-van... So many reasons that it made sense, but didn't fit the plan we had made. We thought about it and prayed about it and talked again on Sunday after kids were in bed, and both of us felt strongly that we should have another baby.

WHAT?!! This morning I woke up and thought, "Did I really decide that I should get pregnant again?!! Am I crazy?!" All the reasons that had made me feel happy with things the way they were came flying at me. I like my quiet time with only one kid at home. I like being healthy and thin. I feel overwhelmed with 4 kids some days, what am I going to do with 5?! What would we have to pay out of pocket for the medical bills? I never even paid attention to that when we looked over the health plan at work, because, duh, we weren't having any more so it didn't matter. Am I ready to get all fat and out of shape again? What if I don't loose the baby weight this time? What if we have another boy? We can't fit 4 beds into that bedroom! We'll have to add onto the house again, and the addition we have isn't even done yet! I just threw away all of my maternity clothes. I was freaking out a little bit.

I feel like living the gospel is pretty easy. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's difficult to do what's right. I struggle and make mistakes, but for me living the gospel is not HARD, it's just not always easy. I've never really felt like I've had to make a hard choice between what I want to do and what the Lord wants me to do. So far, the Lord and I have been on the same page most of the time. I've been lucky, or blessed, that I haven't had a trial of faith, where I really want something different from what the Lord wants. Usually when I get some inspiration I feel happy, relieved even, to have direction and a sense of doing what's right. But this time the inspiration is HARD!

I feel like I was struck by lightning... it just came out of nowhere. It's not like the idea even crossed my mind lately. Baby? Again? ME?! Are you sure? The feeling was so strong and sudden that I almost wanted to blame it on hormones, but then Josiah turned to me and said "You know, the only reason I didn't want another baby was because of diapers." Then he gives me that look. I know that look... the I'm going to be a daddy again look. I knew without a doubt that this is what the Lord wants for us. There's a spirit up there that needs our home.

So, today I'm freaking out a little. But I'm excited, too. Some time in the next year or two another little spirit will join our family. By then I'm sure that I'll be happy and ready, but for today I'm still a little nervous. I know that big blessings come from doing what the Lord asks of us- even if it totally changes our plans and throws us for a loop. I'm ready and willing, it's just going to take me a few days to get used to it, that's all.

Cancer Awareness

My dear friends and family,

So, it's still a month to go until "Breast Cancer Awareness Month," but I've already started to get those "for girls only" messages in my inbox. You know, the ones where you post the color of your bra, or where you like to keep your purse, your shoe size, or whatever. Just letting you know: I'm not participating. I'm also not going to dress in pink and pay 20% more for something because it's pink and they'll donate 5 cents to cancer research. I know... I'm a party pooper, but I really don't see how this really helps cure cancer.

It's all about awareness. And being aware is important. You can't defend yourself from something that you aren't even aware of, right?! We all need fun and friendly little reminders to do the things we know we should in order to keep ourselves healthy. I get that. What I don't get is how posting something really vague and possibly sexually suggestive will help your sisters, mothers, daughters, and friends get the exams and treatments they need to stay healthy. Because, really, a lot of those people never got the memo... They have no idea that "pink, with black polka dots!" or "I like it on the table" is actually some kind of code for "If you like your female parts, you should take care of them and get them checked out by a doctor regularly."

Awareness is good. But it's ACTION that will cure cancer. So, if I don't reply or post any of your little games or codes, don't be offended. Go for it! Have fun! Post to your heart's content all of that stuff, but please, when you're done posting your funny stuff, don't forget that being aware isn't enough. You have to DO something about it.

Pay attention to your body. Know what's normal, and what's not. Get regular check-ups and exams at the doctor's office. I know... I hate them too!! They are uncomfortable and embarrassing, but they can save your life. So, one woman to another- take care of yourself. Please. Breast cancer is a horrible disease. So is leukemia, and heart disease, and diabetes... the list goes on and on.

So, there. I'm off my soapbox now. Love to you all. Here's to hopes for a healthy year for all of us, man and woman alike, and no matter what the disease... I hope we can find a cure someday. But until we do, all we can do is fight a good fight and hope we win!

So, no code. No secret email. No memo needed to explain how something vague I posted is to remind us of cancer. This year you get a frank and open statement from me:

Cancer is nasty. It hurts, it destroys, it kills. People love you, and would be devastated if you left them. So PLEASE, no matter your age or health status, here's a friendly reminder. Make sure you're up to date with all of your checkups and screenings. If you're not, please make an appointment. Catch it early, treat it quickly, and live on for yourself and those of us who care.

Lots of love,

Michelle

Car Companies Hate Me

I think car companies hate me. Well, they don't hate just me. I think they hate all families that dare to have more than 3 kids. Really. I'm serious about this. No one must have more than 2.3 children, or you are stuck forever in your choice of a gutless mini-van or a 3 MPG tank.

So, I have a tiny Hyundai Accent that Josiah and I purchased back when we only had 1 child. It's nice, it was really cheap, it gets almost 40 MPG, it can park anywhere, and has seats for 5. Then came along child #4. I now drive a bus.

Ok, not a bus... just your average 10 year old mini-van. But still. Ick. It's old, so it didn't cost much, but new they cost twice what my little car does. It has terrible gas mileage, has the get up and go of your average little old man, makes u-turns over 4 lanes, and has seats for 7. Yay.

I'm just wondering... why is it that to add one measly seat belt we must double the size and cost, and cut the gas mileage in half? Seriously. I can go and get 2 standard no frills little cars for the same price of one vehicle that seats 6. I want 1, count 'em, just 1 more person to be able to sit in there!

Browse vehicles at a dealership and this is what you get: "Here you are, a tiny hatchback that seats 5. Or over here we have a sporty small car that seats 5. A nice standard car that also seats 5. A large sedan... very roomy. It has enough room for a body in the trunk, but alas, seatbelts for only 5. Or we have this beautiful SUV that seats, you guessed it, 5. Here we have a sporty wagon with plenty of room for a family of 5. This is our latest crossover. It's sporty, gets great gas mileage, has all wheel drive, and seats 5. Or you can drive this bus (we like to call it a "mini-van"), about like driving a stylish elephant made of jello, but it has seats for 7."

See what I'm talking about?! Car companies hate people that have kids.

Now, add to this that we live on a dirt road, and during monsoon season our road is one giant mud pit with nice sandy washes here and there for variety. So, we really need something that won't leave us stranded in the muck.

Ooooo... now we get an even better choice! Now the only option is the behemoth 4x4 that sucks down enough petrol to power a small city on a drive into the grocery store. Or if we only need seats for 5, we can get a nice little 4x4 crossover wagon that gets 27 MPG and- lookie there- it also costs $12,000 less.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Now I get to make a choice that I dread. When I buy our next vehicle, do I break down and buy the Ford, Chevy, or Nissan version of the behemouth 4x4 that has room for my entire family, but is the most impractical vehicle in the world for everyday driving and will literally take every last penny of my discretional money to fuel. Or, do I get a smaller, less expensive, better MPG, all around better to drive vehicle that will always leave one person at home or in another vehicle because it only has seatbelts for 5 dang people!

Anyway. My thoughts on the matter. For now I'll just drive the mini-van and be stuck in the mud every time it rains, because- let's face it- I don't have the cash for a new car anyway. But someday I will, and hopefully by then one of my kids can drive and I will make them buy their own car and I can drive whatever I want.