Not Quite a Miracle Pants

I know this seems like a silly thing to blog about, but I've been having a hard time losing the last of my "mommy tummy" so I decided that a little help would be nice. I've heard a lot about those miracle underthings that instantly make you look a size smaller, so I thought- wow, why not?!! Out I went to a local store on my quest for a tiny tummy.

First, there are about 10 to choose from and 6 of them I throw out right away because I think my husband would either laugh or run in fear from the grandma that suddenly appeared in his bed. Yes, they were that bad. Just looking at them in the store I think I aged about 20 years. They were the very worst kind of "granny panties" and no matter how hot I would look in them with my clothes on, I do have to eventually take those clothes off. No way I will ever let a living being see me in those things. Next I look at the 4 remaining choices. Of the 4 remaining, 2 are around $30, one of them is an unbelievable $45. One less than $12. I sit there and think. Is it worth it? I look in my checkbook at the dwindling funds, do a bit of quick calculating, and decide it's either the $12 ones or nothing. I throw them in the cart next to the peanut butter and diapers. I stand there for a second, then I shove them under the diapers... just in case I see someone I know.

At home I get all excited and try them on. Out of the package they look tiny. Good, maybe they'll really do the job! I put them on and I'm not impressed. First of all, they seem to fit alright, it smooths everything out, but I look in the mirror and it's all wrong. I think I actually look fatter. How is that possible?

Now that I look back I can see that there is a flaw in the whole idea. All that fat has to go SOMEWHERE. It doesn't just disappear. "Abra cadabra," *poof* and it's gone. Right, that could happen in my dreams, but in life, I think not.

My problem is that I have fat all over, but for the most part it's fat that I don't mind. It's not jiggly or flabby, it's mostly firm, evenly distributed to the right places, and looks Ok. I just have this spot around and under my belly button where things are pretty bad- Mother Nature's gift after 4 giant babies. I will not go into details, no need to give you nightmares. If you are a mom you know what I'm talking about.

So, these "magical" pants are squeezing all of my fat and it has to go somewhere. Of course it follows the path of least resistance... So all that Ok fat from my hips and sides are all being pushed around and end up in the place where there is plenty of room, thanks to those giant babies. Right smack dab in the middle of my stomach. Oh, it's not jiggly, held in by the industrial strength Lycra. It's nice and firm. And huge. I may technically be an inch smaller, but the proportions are all off. Eww. I put my clothes on over them to see if it's just my imagination. Hmmmm, I'm still not sure.

I wear them for a day and things really start to go wrong. Slippage on something so tight is not good. Now I have the dreaded "muffin top," something I didn't have before. So I adjust, again. And again. Now I feel stupid. I wash my hands in the bathroom and glance in the mirror- Ahhhhhhh! Who is that fat woman? Ok, now I'm sure. I look worse. Now for the real decision, do I spring for a $50 pair and hope that they are better? Do I buy the dreaded granny pants and never let my husband see them?

I take off the stupid things and enjoy the feel of freedom again. I start to do some serious thinking. Ok, so I have a poochy tummy, but I have beautiful kids. They are not always well behaved, but they are adorable. And my husband has never complained about how I look. In fact, if I ever say anything he's quick to say I'm being silly. I look in the mirror at my stomach, sucking it in and remembering how it looked before the kids. I'm just too vain. I loved my stomach 10 years ago. I thought it was my best feature, and now it's not. GET OVER IT!

I relax the muscles and see the transformation into reality. Hmmm... I suddenly feel the need to do about 500 sit-ups. After I get some laundry done, and the baby bathed I'll have some time. Oh yeah, today is cub scouts. I'll put it on the agenda for tomorrow... or maybe Thursday. *sigh*